Cherry Blossom Girl

Surfin' on a Rocket.

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And now, the fake news.

MARTHA STEWART FINDS CALLING AS METALLICA GROUPIE

Picture your average Metallica concert: The skinny punks who don't fit in, the beer guts, the headbanging mullets, and James Hetfield adding the "RAH" after every word. Now imagine after the concert: The sweat, the skinny punks getting their asses kicked by the larger punks, and ... Martha Stewart?

That's right, Martha Stewart, former psychotic Betty-Crocker-gone-stock-market-mogul, has found a new calling. Some say it's an effort to shrug off her cold reputation, others say this is just another means for attention. But whatever the case may be, Martha Stewart is now a groupie for one of the most popular bands of 1986: Metallica.

A representative for Ms. Stewart commented, "Martha has found solace in the lyrics of Metallica. Hold my breath as I wish for death / Oh please God, help me ... Those are words near and dear to Martha's heart. At first, she listened to their songs secretly, then as the shit started to hit the fan, she really immersed herself into Metallica's music."

While the important members of Metallica were unavailable for comment, Rob Trujillo, bassist, seemed to have no problem with Stewart tagging along to the shows. "Hey man, she just told me that I was a great addition to the band, and she baked me some cookies, which were delicious! I don't remember much after that, but I woke up naked and there was a dried flower wreath around my cock with lovely blue and gold accents. HEY, WAIT A SECOND."

While those who didn't already question Stewart's sanity are trying to understand what would drive the most popular centerpiece-arranger to become the most famous Metallica groupie since Dave Mustaine, others closer to Metallica are just glad the focus is on something besides the band's latest shitty release.